Jesus Tapdancing Christ! I'm in FFIX!
by The Incorrigible Insano-Man
Summary: So I'm just sitting in my dorm when all of a sudden I get sucked into my computer... Brother story to Holy Bejeezus! I'm in Final Fantasy X!. It's my first post, so please R&R, and don't be too rough. Rated T for language, cause I cuss. A lot.


Hey guys. First fic here, so don't be too harsh on me please. Ok? Thanks. Well this is a little project cooked up by me and my brother (he's Draken Fenix, btw) and soon enough it's gonna merge (but when I'm not going to tell. Bwahaha). My style is pretty heavily influenced by J. D. Salinger (think The Catcher in the Rye), so it's very to the point, prose, and sometimes offensive. If you don't like it, I don't really care. Nyeah.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my original characters. Actually, when you write it that way, it seems kinda sad and pathetic, like I _really_ don't own anything. Rest assured, reader, I do own things, but the only things in this story that I own are my characters… and anything I make up… but one day I'll own _everything_. Muahahahahahaha!

Chapter 1

…

(yes that's the title)

So you probably wanna know how I got in this place, what with all the magic and the swords and the hot babes and flying ships and all, but to be honest, I'm not quite sure myself. So I'll tell you everything I _do_ know. I know you don't really care about who _I_ am or what I do, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. My name is Timothy, but I like Alex better. Alex is my middle name and I go by it cause, well, my dad's name is Timothy. Truth be told, I could really not care less about him. So anyway, I'm a sophomore in college at the University of North Carolina Greensboro. _Big deal_. The only reason why I went there is for my advertising degree. See, I've got this way of influencing people without them really being able to tell I'm influencing them. It usually works. _Usually. _I once tried to convince my brother not to throw his X-Box at me with all that smooth talk crap, but he did it anyway. He's always throwing crap at you. Like this one time where he threw this knife at me. He missed, but I heard it whoosh by my ear real close. I could have killed him right there. I really could have.

But that's not really important. You want to hear about that time I got sucked into a video game for God's sake. It's weird, lemme tell ya.

So I'm writing my term paper for my advertising class. It was on how ugly people can sell just as well as pretty people or something like that. Truth be told, I was pulling most of it out of my ass. I never actually _wrote_ a paper where I didn't make some shit up. I'd been doing it since 4th grade, and I got better and better each time. I was a pro at bullshit. Anyway, I decided to take a break and play some video games. I decided on Final Fantasy 9, but since I didn't have a goddamn Playstation in my dorm, I had to use an emulator. Right when I pop it in, my roommate came in. His real name is Andy, but in his mind he's the incredible Boner-Nator, cause he _thinks_ he's pretty well hung, but he's gotta whack off with forceps. If he ever actually used his hands, he'd crush it. He thinks he's all tough shit with girls, but he's a virgin if I ever saw one. He had braces, those glasses with the thick black frame (I always called em rape-prevention goggles), this nasty, greasy black hair and acne all over his face. Kinda like God took 

all the most undesirable traits of mankind and wrapped em up in a big, white, nasty, flimsy little tortilla and threw out anything that could impress a girl.

"Heya heya Alex," he said. He always said the dorkiest things.

"Oh look! The Boner Flare! Hurry Boner-Nator, and fuck the damsel in distress!" I had a real nasty sense of humor. I was always turning things around on people. He ignored me though, which is really unusual for him. He always tried to make comebacks that never really worked, like your sister's teeth. It was embarrassing.

"So what are you up to?" He put his goddamn nasty ass hand on my shoulder. It was clear he hadn't showered in weeks, which is good for him cause it's usually months.

"9 inches more than you," I said without missing a beat. I'm such a funny guy. He sorta hit me on the back of the head which made me instantaneously put him in a double chicken wing. I brought him down to the floor and he made this annoying noise, kinda like a squeaky car belt rubbing on a skinned ferret.

"Hey man! Lemme go!" he said, wiggling around. He was pathetic.

"Liberate yourself from my vice-like grip," I said as monotone as possible. I let him go, purely out of sympathy. All of a sudden the goddamn lights go out. Andy, the man he was, went to check it out. Turns out some dude just killed himself in the bathtub in his dorm with a hairdryer. Go figure. What's a guy doing with a hairdryer in the first place? Fag.

Anyway, I was pressing keys on my keypad, pretending to write some fancy big legal document, like The Bill for the Suppression of All People Whose Name Starts with Y, or something like that, when the power kicks on all of a sudden. I felt this electric surge and I blacked out. It was kinda like that one Steven King book, The Green Mile, except less exciting. This one dude is getting executed and they're supposed to get his head wet so he dies quicker, but this one douchebag guard dude doesn't do it so he sits there and suffers. He screams and he catches on fire and smoke is pouring out of his nose and his ears and his eyes. That scene in the movie was pretty cool, too. But that's not really important.

When I woke up, there was this smoking hot blonde there. She was kinda floating in midair over me, like an angel, but 10 times hotter, so she had to have been a demon. When I sat up, she giggled and floated over to me.

"Hey gorgeous," she said. "You know, I've always loved redheads, and the way you push my buttons just drives me insane." Damn. She was hot.

"What exactly do you mean by 'push my buttons'? This isn't like one of those faggoty-ass fanfics like online, is it?" I meant to ask her face, but I was drawn in by her failing grades. Looked to me like 2 D's.

"I'm your Computer," she said, rubbing my shoulders. "I would ask you to name me, but I found one of your songs you downloaded of KaZaA that'll do it." Yes, dear reader, I am a pirate. "Just call me your little 'Helena'." She floated right by just so she could show off her ass, which was really cute by the way.

"Helena. So you like the same kinda music I do?" I really couldn't care less. I was just stalling for time so I could eye-grope her some more.

"It's an acquired taste." She stuck her tongue out a little and shook her ass my way. What a tease. "When you first bought me, I was into jazz." Of course, the pre-loaded music. "But then you opened me up to the wide, wide world of horrorpunk."

"So what's going on?" I asked her while she sat down in my lap. Her ass was so sweet it was driving me crazy. Had I been less a man, namely Andy, I probably would have showed up early to the pants party. But I'm such a stud my skeleton didn't even come out of the closet.

"Well, the surge from the power coming back on has thrust you into me." Great choice of words. I would have thrust myself into her without any help from Franklin. "Final Fantasy 9 was in the disc tray, so to get out, you're going to have to play it. And cause you're such a great pirate and managed to copy the _entire_ game onto 1 CD, you won't hafta worry about changing out." Thank God/Buddha/Krishna/Jewish God/Satan/L. Ron Hubbard/Science. Getting stuck on those suck.

She leaned in close to me and kissed me. Open mouth, too. It was great. Well anyway, then this portal opened up and I got sucked in and she flew right behind me, giggling all the way.

When I came to, I could definitely tell I was wearing armor. It was heavy as crap. I also had a sword by my side, which, too, was heavy as crap. I was enclosed by guards, which I recognized as Alexandrian from the game. They were all women, all in armor, and all were really, really hot. I could see up one's armored skirt from where I was laying. Apparently, knights go commando, too. They were all whispering something about a Black Knight. When I stood up, they all gasped and started shaking and murmuring. One of them drew her sword and pointed it at me.

"Bl-bl-black Knight, I, M-m-maria of the Alexandrian A-Army ch-ch-challenge you!" She was shaking like mad, and, the poor little girl, her voice was cracking like she was gonna cry. I heard my computer's voice, or rather Helena's voice. She told me to hold my sword up and say 'Pain.' So I did. I felt this slight burning all over me and a purple flame danced at the soldier's feet. She shrieked and the entire platoon fled. I looked around and there was Angel. She shook her entire body and some really tight fitting clothes appeared on her. She was a babe.

"So, as you can see," she said. I was focused on how her lips moved. So sexy. "You're a Dark Knight, and I'm a Black Mage. I had to make you something that no one else was, and there's 2 White Mages, so why can't I be a Black Mage?"

"Makes sense," I said. Thanks to the helmet, I could look anywhere on Helena and she wouldn't know. "So do we hafta find the main group?"

"Or at least meet up with them," she said, pointing to an airship that was on fire and crashing down in the treeline of the woods at the bottom of the cliff the castle was on. It was a crazy creepy forest. I swear, even _looking_ at it gave me the creeps, for God's sake.

"So, shall we?" She held out her hand. I grabbed it and the next thing I knew we were in the forest, right near where the ship crashed. "Our story is we're stowaways," Helena said. "We'll travel with them, no matter what they say."

"Got it," I said. I really didn't have the foggiest notion of what the hell we were gonna do, but what the hell. At least I didn't hafta write that damn term paper.

So there's chapter 1. Please R&R, and don't be too cruel. If you are, I'm gonna kill your grandma. Not really. She's a sweet old lady. Tell her I'll be over on Sunday for tea.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Chapter 2: The Thief, The Princess, and The College Kid. Same Bat time, same Bat channel.


End file.
